Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
