i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
