Your face is a jimmy john
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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