I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Randomize
