and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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