im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
