I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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