Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
