I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
