she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
