there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
