I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
