Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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