that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
