hotel room ftw
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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