He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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