I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
im drinking this country out of the recession.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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