And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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