pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
