Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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