After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
