omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
