Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
wrigley field is MILF paradise
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
