I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
