he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
