No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
