I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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