my mouth tastes like poor choices
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
