This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
