Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
