BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
