Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
