Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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