Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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