Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
