Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
