please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
