I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
