Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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