Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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