The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
This toilet bowl is my home.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
