Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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