its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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