All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
