I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
