Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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