So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
