I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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