I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
