the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
